Strange things

I'm not entirely certain, but things happen. Strangely.

I got braces on Saturday, and they hurt like anything and apparently I've lost weight. Good! I have a grand total of 7 kg to lose before I get to a healthy weight. I've been eating only mashed stuff. Just imagine the new dieting formula: Get braces, be slim!

Other than that... I realised that I'm still dressing in the style that I dressed in when I was in P4. Perhaps to hang on to old memories, perhaps to prove to others/myself (who knows?) that I have a mind of my own and I can dress however I like.

And I'm going to prom on the 16th and well... I feel strangely alone.

I am strangely alone in all my memories and thoughts and feelings.

And I hate that.

Because I suddenly don't want to be alone, or unique, or stand out. I just want to be part of the crowd. Sometimes it's hard being all alone and I don't want to be alone all the time.

sigh. I'm hard to please.

A few thoughts on spirituality.. and maturity

Spirituality

I'm supposed to be a Christian.

The funny thing is, I feel guilty. Not for being a Christian, it's just that I've got a penpal who's lately been struggling about growing in Christ. And then today I read my classmates' blogs.

Two of them are struggling with growing in Christ.

And I feel guilty, because I don't.

To be more precise, I don't think about growing in Christ.

I haven't gone to church in ages, and the only reading I've done about spirituality was 'Conversation with God for Teens', which was frankly more like a New Age mystic's talk.

The entire fact that I don't have a struggle with growing in Christ is based on the fact that I don't participate in church. In the last session in church, I had this feeling of detachment. Not just because of the fact I'm the only teenager in the Chinese service in my church, it's also based on the fact that I just don't connect to anyone there.

This is making me wonder: Am I a true Christian? Or am I just going through the motions? Or is it because of my environment?

WEB: I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.{Philippians 4:13}

This quote is doubly meaningful. Or triply meaningful, come to think of it.

To deal with the lesser meanings first, 413 is the current class I'm in. Sentimentality alone should endear this quote to me, because I recall a few people talking about doing things through Christ. In fact, I recall talking about this quote during exam week. Exam week was stressful, which is why I clung to this quote for dear life.


The second lesser meaning is that my brother's name is Philip.

He annoys me like anything. So yes, this quote gives me the strength to carry on without blowing up too regularly.

The most important thing?

This quote is the embodiment of the quote I've been looking for all my life. Through Christ, I can do all things. It gives me a link and an anchor back to my faith, which I've been growing further and further away from.

The whole point is that I'm lost and wandering. I'm a lost sheep even though I claim that I'm a Christian. Maybe it's time to pick up my Bible and really, really critically re-examine what Christianity and the Trinity means to me. I should be good at that. I'm a literature student, after all.

And the Lord has said through the parable of the lost sheep:

"What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost. I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance" {Luke 15:4-7}

I hope that I can find a way back to my faith.

And again, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Maturity

Is becoming mature being able to think deeper? Or is becoming mature knowing and then volunteering to take on responsibility? Or is being mature something else entirely?

Shall dwell on it tomorrow.

Forging ahead...

Making an Identity

Forging an identity isn't easy.

First of all, you have to think of what you'd like to become. And then you have to really develop it. Go into all the nitty-gritty-itty-bitty details and hammer it all out before you start. Completely changing yourself really means changing every single thing, including your likes and dislikes (though they can overlap, but I wouldn't advise it because you would want a clean break from your old self.)

Secondly, you have to really want it. Want, meaning you'd do anything to acheive it.

Including backstabbing, cheating, and lying to get it. But for me, at least, it won't be that hard. Because forging a new identity for me simply means a little bit more transformation than I'm used to.

Thirdly, you have to really need it (and in order to want it, obviously).

Fourthly, you have to have a new, clean slate to start over with. A good choice of when to begin is about a year (at least) before transferring schools, or jobs, or whatever.

Why a year? Because you'd have had practice with your new public persona. Sufficient to be comfortable in it, and to be able to function without dropping your mask, so as to speak.

This might sound very clinical and very inhuman, but I think it's a necessary step for me - as a person - to grow.

A bonsai needs to be pruned now and then. So do people, whether consiously, or subconsiously by themselves and or others.

To rehash a bit, I need change because I'm feeling left behind. Everything and everyone around me has grown so much, and they've grown away from me. Best friends acquire new interests, and they drift away from us, if we don't keep in contact. That's only natural, but we all do feel a few lingering threads of momentary warmth and friendship, because we were once friends. To pick up a friendship again is difficult, I think. Because when you're young, you change so much and everything's not the same any longer.

In short, it's not a matter of change because I think that since everyone's changed, I should too. Right here and right now, I think it's necessity.

I believe it really is time for a change. Late past, in fact.

You see, I haven't changed as a person since I was twelve. And that's not good, from my point of view. Because I need to have personal growth. If I don't grow as a person, both emotionally and mentally, then I won't be able to function as fully as a person who has.

I don't know how much I myself have grown. Because I'm not looking at myself from the outside, I can't tell; from the inside, everything looks pretty much the same. Obviously physical changes happen; but emotional and mental changes are so much harder to see, especially those that are your own.

Because I want to change, I can change.

If you can reach out and change someone with a simple word, why can't you change yourself? It would be so much easier. For one, you're on the same wavelength as yourself. You know everything about yourself (provided it's not one of those sneaky things like cancer), so why not?

It'd be nice to do something about that nasty little streak of meanness that you have, for example. If you don't like someone, there's no need to be mean to them in their faces. I do that very often to a classmate of mine. Frankly, even though she's dislikable, I must admit that it's not really necessary for me to be quite so mean to her. But honestly, she clings like a limpet once you even show the slightest bit of niceness to her.

I hate that.

So that's one of the things I'd like to put on my list; to be nice and not mean (unless absolutely necessary), and the second thing is: not to cling on to people like a limpet (especially if you're not wanted.)

Though if you're an outcast it could be quite difficult to tell...

Moving On Anyway....

Because I've drifted apart from my old friends, I've been making new ones.

Though I'm not sure if their friendship is out of sympathy (since I'm often left out nowadays) or because they genuinely like me. And I suspect it's the former, because they're the most likeable ones in class, and there's no real need for them to befriend me, because they're popular, and I'm just a loner hanging on the out-fringes.

The one person I might be able to count as a close friend is part of a three-some group in class, and I'm just the fourth person hanging on the periphery.

And I'm only needed because sometimes the teacher wants a pair group, such as in physical education or occasionally in class.

To tell the truth, I try to befriend others. But somehow my personality just stops short of being able to connect, and really befriend them. Casual acquiantances, yes, but not friends, or even best friends.

That's part of the things I want to change about myself. To get out, meet people, be more polished in actually making friends, and actually keeping them.

I know it's depressing actually psycho-analysing yourself and your own relationships, and it's even more depressing if you realise precisely how little you valued your friendships when you had them.

So right here, right now, I'm taking my friendships as a blessing and I'm making an effort to keep them.

And apparently I'm a drama mama. I think it approximates something like 'drama queen'. I've had that verified by three people so far, so I guess it's pretty true.

I whine scarily (a lot more drawn-out and protracted than complaining), or so that's what I've been told. I do that a lot. I have the ability to make an anthill into a mountain.

Actually, I have no idea if that's a good thing or not. Being dramatic is probably all good and all onstage, but probably not in real life. So I guess that's one thing to tone down.

So I've lost some friends, but I'm beginning to make new ones. In JC, life will probably be harder, because of greater academic workload, but at the same time I can and I will (at least, I intend to) make friends. Though friendships tend to last longer in secondary school and last till university days and beyond, I would like to believe that perhaps I can make some lasting friendships then.

Revision, revision, revision. Sorry to bore you out of your wits.

Revision, revision, revision.

That's what my life is going to be about for a very brief time of 2 weeks. I keep telling myself I have to revise, and yet today I took time off to read when I should have been studying. I guess I'm just not self-motivated enough. I don't know if I should be blaming myself at this point of time, but I think it's definitely time to move on and get things going. I revised English for 2 solid hours to try and get my definitions straight.

So I'm going to use this space to revise a bit... and get my concepts straight.

Identity: What helps define you as an individual, and is in constant flux due to social, cultural and polictical forces that constantly shape you and your identity.

Meaning, what makes you special.

Communities of Practice: Contributes towards one's identity; a community that one belongs to and relates to. One can either be a core or periperal player in the community, depending on one's level of involvement and the group's acceptance of you. Involvement in the community can be either voluntary or compulsory.

I.e. school. It can be compulsory, or voluntary, depending on how you look at it. For example, I am forced to have compulsory school education; the Community of Practice of Education I belong is compulsory. However, I get a choice in which school I want to attend. So off I go to a school which I have voluntarily picked.

Family: In our modern day society, family comes in a variety of forms and definitions; the main thing is that family is defined and linked via blood, marriage, adoption or just plain recognition. There are three main types of families:
1. Traditional - main family value responsibility.
2. Psychological - main family value satisfaction.
3. Plural - main family value flexibility.
The evolution of the family form over time has only emphasized the need for an overarching, comprehensive social-political stand on how best to fulfill these families' needs.
Furthurmore, these three core values are still inherent and relevant to families today: responsibility, satisfaction and flexibility.

Ethnocentrism: The tendency to believe that one's own culture is superior, and to look at others' cultures with limited understanding and perception of their cultures via one's own tinted prespective.

The main advantage of ethnocentrism is that without it, one would not have a starting point from which to decide one's morals, values, and to generally conduct oneself.

However, if ethnocentrism is taken to extremes, then regimes like happy Hitler begin. Of course, even in its less extreme forms, such as general racial discrimination, it brings about unhappiness and friction in the community.

Cultural Imperialism: For one's country's culture to either supercede another country's culture or integrate itself into another's culture by force, or via trade e.g. Korean Wave.

"Soft power" e.g. Korean Wave can help make a country influential; e.g. icons like Madonna, Angelina Jolie influence their fans an awful lot. What more of a country?

Hard power e.g. economic and military power aka Big Brother also makes a country influential, largely because the less powerful countries are afriad they'll get squashed. Not entirely accurate, but somewhere about there. So influence over culture takes place via hard or soft power.

So I've covered three topics; ethnocentrism, family, identity.

Hooray.

Ok. Next, I need to revise math.

But not today; later today. It's 1 am in the morning and I intend to get some rest before I wake up again at 5.30 am to go to school.

Change is part of Life

I thrive on stress, I think. Because I can't be bothered to do anything during break except sleep and sleep some more. But I hate stress, even though I'm not self-motivated.

The only way I can get myself self-motivated is to stare at the list of exams on the wall and make a time-table for myself that I strictly follow regardless.

I should have started revising at least last week. You know, I do that every year. Start revising only the week before and fret like crazy and hope I do well. I fear my definition of well has changed to "please let me pass and if I pass please let me have gotten above 70%."

And here's a question I was pondering today: Do people see the changes in themselves, and do they see the changes in others? Not just physical changes, or more shallow changes like likes and dislikes, but also of the person's character.

I'm thinking this because all the time, people around me are talking about "when we get to JC" what they will do and so on. But I wonder; will they realise if they've changed? And if they do, will they like the way they've changed or will they wish they'd changed to be more like someone else?

And on the subject of change...

This is probably a very dangerous thing to think, but I think that it would be easier to change yourself amongst strangers than amongst people whom you know. For me, I'm normally pretty quiet in school but when I was doing community service, I just kind of opened up and started babbling to all sort of random strangers. And the thing is, I actually made a couple of friends there.

I'm advancing the thought that if, for example, you wanted to really change yourself i.e. from a very introverted person to a very outgoing, cheerful person, it would be so much more easy to do with complete strangers. Because no one has any preconceptions of who or what you are. And if you force yourself to act a certain way, you just begin to act that way all the time.

I guess you're probably wondering why I'm thinking this. I guess it's because I just want a change from my normal self. To be a bit more outgoing, to talk more, to act a different way, just for a change. I think it's the whole "to be different" thing. I've been the same for so long I'm kind of sick of myself, and I really want a change.

I would like to be a person who gets along better with other people, who doesn't whine all the time (honestly, I gripe on and on about the most mundane things). I'd like, for one, to be taller and have more muscle (I hate being short. Everyone grew again except me. And I cannot even do one push-up.) But that can't be changed, so oh well. *shrugs*

Except maybe the push-up part.

I'd like to be more interesting, for one. I must admit that I'm boring; I have practically nothing in common with any of the other people in my class except maybe the topics of teachers, exams, homework etc.

Probably after we all graduate, we're all going to gradually forget about one another, most likely when all of us go on to attend university after JC. (Most of us are going on to the same JC because of the integrated programme. )

I'd like not to forget about them; I realised that I miss my primary school classmates, particularly my P6 schoolmates. OK, about half of them are in the same school as I am, but that's not the point.

I'm beginning to feel the changes all around me. Everyone's changed, in some subtle but fundamental ways, except me, and I'm beginning to feel left out. Oh, I still fit in, but I don't really feel that I belong any longer. In some strange way, I feel like I'm like Rip van Wrinkle, who came back after spending a hundred years away. I feel like a stranger in a familiar land.

I suppose that's another reason for change. Everyone's going on. I'm trying to change to keep up. I guess that's a kind of evolvement; I'm a person who changes not unconsiously but consiously, because I see.

I suppose that's good in a way, being able to see a little below the layers. Actually, that might be good in a way; being introspective helps me puts things in perspective. But at the same time, it makes me wonder if others do think this way sometimes too. Does this happen to all people, or only at particular points in their life?